Tonight I watched The One Show (I know, but there was nothing else on and I was feeling indolent) in which they did a bit about towns infested with seagulls. Apparently one of those suffering the worst from these flying sea-rats was the inland town of Gloucester (though the description ‘inland’ has to be used rather ironically lately). The seagulls, apparently, feed on the local landfill, then nest on the town’s buildings. Certain measures are being taken. There’s a guy going round putting false eggs in their nests so they incubate them all year rather than laying new ones. Then there’s another guy with an eco-beard and probably recycled underpants, who feels the problem needs to be studied at length. Obviously an ecological balance needs to be struck. Certainly, it would appear, the residents need to learn to live with and love these birds. Fuck, right, off. There is no need for study. The birds fill themselves up from the mounds of discarded food at the landfill, then they come into the town to rip open dustbin bags in pursuit of their preferred diet, to fuck noisily, nest on top of the buildings and drop half a pound of shit on the nearest parked car, and each year their population increases. I know. I’ve stayed in Hastings and listened to them shrieking while they shag at four in the morning, I’ve seen the torn-open dustbin bags and my car, parked for two days, must have used half a gallon extra of petrol when I drove home with the extra weight of guano.
What is needed here is a very simple approach, with a shotgun. But of course that’s never going to happen with councils and government involved. The simple expedient of slipping a local farmer a few quid to bring down the gull population would never happen in over-managed and fucked-up Britain. Risk assessments would need to be made, the HSE would have to be involved, the local animal-rights dicks would be there with their placards and fire-bombs addressed to the farmer, a manager or two would need to be employed the perhaps a police cordon set up while the farmer did his work. It’s all so unutterably tiresome, and when anything ever does get done it costs twenty times as much as it should. To the people of Gloucester I say, try to find and employ some ex-army guy fresh out of Afghanistan with a night-sighted rifle, and after he’s shot your council and the animal-rights protesters, get him to start on the seagulls

13 thoughts on “Seagulls.

  1. I'm reminded of Ken Livingstone's War With The Pigeons in Trafalgar Square, dogged every step of the way by protesters and now employing a man with a hawk to either kill or scare off the birds. Ain't working; I went down to the Square the day I came to your signing and there were more pigeons there than tourists.

  2. what they need is a shot gun!!!

    perhapse ask dad lol

    Its alright for them to say live with them they arenot the ones who have to keep their cars coverd up cos they get shat on..

    i hate the blooming things although we live near the seaside we dont tend to get too many of them around where we are. (thank god) thnik i would be getting steve's air rifle out if they were around…

  3. You might find the effect of bicarbonate of soda on seagulls (the herring variety at least) is quite interesting….

  4. find and employ some ex-army guy fresh out of Afghanistan with a night-sighted rifle, and after he’s shot your council and the animal-rights protesters, get him to start on the seagulls.

    i wish i had some sort of award to give you. you need one. 8)

  5. Can we use the same gun on the bastards that "Internationalized" the comments section of

    PC seems to flock to the same feeding patterns as the damned birds!

    Oh yeah, totally agree with your post. Just got pissed with the Norwegian language in the comments section so ranted instead.

  6. I used to own a town house in Bath (before the tree hugging council finally pissed me off so much I moved, but that's another story).

    I too was totally hacked off with the amount of Seaguls constantly waking me up and crapping on my car. So I decided to take action.

    I bought a gun.

    It was high velocity rat catcher gun, with doped pellets. It looked like the gun used in the film 'Day of the Jackel'. Except you couldn't use it as a crutch !

    So, when the breading season started I would settle myself down on the roof of my house and nail a few of the buggers.

    Deeply satisfying. The neighbors all applauded me, and the road became a no fly zone for the guls. Basically I recon the word got out it was a bad place to settle down and try to build a family.

    Then I got a letter from the council. A 'report' had been filed that someone was shoot the 'wildlife' and if this was to continue then the police may make a visit. Okay….. Wildlife ????? right.

    I controlled the urg to shoot the person who I suspected may have 'snitched' me up. I moved away a few months later, and at the time the skys were dark with the seaguls. Point in case. Hope they kept the snitch up all fucking night with the noise…..

    Ah, I feel so much better now !!!!

    So, yeah. I'm totally with you. Shoot the fucking things 🙂


  7. I think some of it depends on the council. I know one of my friends in North Wales had a job helping one of the local pest controllers. He was there to bag up after they'd thinned out the local population with a .22 air rifle…

  8. One of the things that is still nice about living in the U.S…

    A couple of years ago, some squirrels were chewing on the siding of our house and destroying our bird feeders. I contacted the state Fish and wildlife to see what my options were. Turns out, I'd need a depredation permit to trap them, but I can shoot them without a permit if they are causing damage.

    I then called the local police to see if there were any restrictions on blasting away in my garden. The deputy on the phone seemed baffled that anyone would ask such a silly question. Eventually, he said, "well, you can't shoot in a school zone." I assured him I wasn't in a school zone, and then diposed of the squirrels.

    Just finished Hilldiggers. Moving on to Polity Agent

  9. John Stossel? I'll have to check this out…
    Ken Livingstone? Bring on Boris!
    Could do with the alien big cats in the House of Commons.
    Dawn, I'm sure Martin would enjoy shooting them, and the seagulls.
    Bicarbonate of soda? Tell me more.
    I've got an award, Kirby, and I still haven't bothered collecting it.
    Totally confused about this Norwegian language thing…
    Jools, I like your style.
    Quite surprised that this is allowed in North Wales.
    Unsurprised it is allowed in the USA, quite rightly so.

  10. Bicarbonate of soda?

    Allegedly…seagulls can't fart so if you put out food with bicarbonate of soda on it it should react in their stomach and the birds go pop.

    Urban myth.

    .22 high velocity rounds work well though.
    I did see one shot by a 7.62mm round when I was a cadet, blew the fucker apart. Most amusing.

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