On or In Crete

So here we are on Crete, or perhaps in Crete – I start to wonder about the distinctions when learning Greek since, the tourist phrase book tells me ‘sto, stin, stis’ translate respectively as ‘to the, at the, in the’ and in that respect is definitely a rough guide. Anyway, the house, though showing signs of damp with paint bubbling on some walls, at least hasn’t been leaking. This time we didn’t have to spend hours mopping dried mud from the floors – washed from the old internal stonework of the house because that’s how they built houses in Eastern Crete until the 1950s when, so I am told by a local, they actually started using a wonderful new invention called concrete.

However, as the previous picture I put up here showed, we did have plenty to do in the garden. It took us about two days to clear the jungle, and we were pleasantly surprised to find that as well as the nigh indestructible geraniums and yukkas, other plants had survived, including strawberries, one nasturtium and broad beans. We’ve now planted masses of seeds and eagerly await the first radishes, rocket, and other salad veg. I’ve squashed my first scorpion too – one of the joys of Cretan gardening.

Yesterday we ventured into Sitia to make enquiries about getting Internet up here at the house. We went to OTE, which is the Cretan equivalent of BT, since as yet we don’t even have a phone line. Having heard stories from others about them being sold a dial-up ‘package’ (the set-up is different here) because broadband was not possible, then later being sold broadband and unable to get the money back on that dial-up package, we were determined we would only have a phone line put in if we could get broadband too. No way did we want to end up paying the 15 Euros a month line rental without it.

As usual enquiries were hampered by the language barrier, my Greek being enough to make simple requests and understand simple replies, and the guy’s English being good, but just not quite enough. So, OTE could not provide broadband, but maybe Cosmote could at 30 Euros a month. Does Cosmote work up there? Um, I don’t know – we don’t have a phone line – if you can’t provide broadband, how is it some other company can? And why is it that you can’t provide it up in our village when people we know, in an even remoter village in the mountains, can get it (after having to pay for that dial-up package)?

I’m still none the wiser. Is it the case that Cosmote provide wireless broadband in certain areas? Is it the case that OTE just don’t deal with broadband, that you have to go to another company, and that they are like BT before they started providing broadband? Did the guy in the OTE office want to screw me for a dial-up package first (paranoia is very easy here)? Time to make further enquiries and our first port of call must be Stelios, the Cretan who sold us our house, speaks very good English, and knows the system here.

I really need that Internet. Working here, like this, using the Gecko Bar’s Internet connection is not enough to keep me on top of things.

Book Piracy

What was it, a few weeks ago I was talking about ebooks, the dangers, whatever? Of course the Internet world moves really fast and now, already, it seems someone is pirating my books. For obvious reasons I won’t make a link to the site concerned. Nice hey. You spend twenty years banging your head against a wall to learn your trade and finally get your book published, you work non-stop to build a career, then some prick thinks it’s quite fine to obtain a copy of your work and give it away. Hey, by all means lend a book to someone, but don’t set up a fucking website to give it away to hundreds of people you don’t even know! I guess the person doing this feels he is being altruistic, that he’s giving a service (which in this case he wants donations for). I feel just like I always feel when someone rips me off; steals my property from me.

Five Book Contract

Damn me, my publisher didn’t change the locks when I popped outside for a cigarette. After four contracts for three books, plus a collection of short stories and two extras first published in America, over a million and a half words having passed under editorial pencils, they’re still not fed up with me. Even after having to tolerate a slightly drunk author wandering around Macmillan offices, snaffling any book that isn’t nailed down and secreting it in a Tesco carrier bag, they’re still prepared to put up with me. Wow!
Now, whilst progressively renewing my covers (using those superb Jon Sullivan pictures), Tor Macmillan have given me a five book contract, which I’ve signed. My last contract underwent a slight redesign with the last two books being swapped around so that The Departure, a novel based on short stories that appeared in my collection The Engineer ReConditioned, will be published last rather than second to last. This book will be the first of the ‘Owner Sequence’ comprising two further books titled Zero Point and Jupiter War. After that I’m signed up for three as yet to be named books, so I’ll certainly be writing books for Macmillan for some years to come.
I see the future now. New employees at Macmillan will express momentary bafflement and surprise, “Neal Asher? I thought he was dead?” whereupon oldtimers will point nervously to a big iron-studded oak door, “We keep him in there”. Neophyte editors will be ushered through that door, “Keep to the right. Do not touch or approach the glass. You pass him nothing but soft paper…” Meanwhile, those working in book shops will check their latest delivery and dubiously eye the sagging ‘A’ shelf. A Hogwarts trained shelf-stacker will remove the books from their box with iron tongues, whilst a second employee affixes the chains.
Thanks all at Macmillan, it’s great working with you.
If anyone has any press queries, please email cdothealyatmacmillandotcodotuk 

Science Fiction Covers

And now to science fiction. Rather than try to sort this lot out, I’ll leave them to speak for themselves, bearing in mind that these are responses to the question ‘What sort of cover puts you off an SF book?’:

Jesper Krogsgaard: Ewoks. Cute and fuzzy. Using conventional pictures doesn’t provide enough mystery unless you twist it. Again, like with fantasy, I like it gritty, dark and dangerous.
Colin Strawbridge: I think the typefaces used are more important than pictures; Gollancz have managed pretty well all these years without resorting to lurid graphics.One thing i find especially disconcerting is when they put celebrity reviewers names in much larger print than the actual author.
Andy Plumbly: Something that seems totally irrelevant to sci-fi. Like an apple. I’m quite happy with a spaceship or planet. Simple mind I guess.
Colin Strawbridge: I love how what on initial inspection seems like a random picture eventually starts to make sense as one gets further into the book.
Peter Nugent: Something original. If it’s the bog standard hero with a smoking gun on an alien landscape that looks suspiciously like a desert i’m usually not interested.
Bob Lock: Squids in spacesuits…
Stuart McMillan: Complicated scenes and complicated fonts. Keep It Simple, Stupid (KISS) principles must apply.
Jon Bodan: On further reflection, I think that if you had the book name in the Tron font, and your name in the mid-80s digital font, it would be ace. Lol
Roger Fourt: Winners: M M Smith, Jeff Noon, Asher (I wouldn’t lie)
Losers: Hamilton, Reynolds, Morgan.
Simple premise: avoid badly painted unfeasibly large spaceships.
Susan Hopkins Carpenter: I agree with Stuart, simple generally works best for me too. What puts me off is something too esoteric, I just know I’m going to be wading through pretentions claptrap.
Zeon D V Kitchiner: Anything with gold embossed lettering and roses.
Dave Wells: I find it’s normally something on the cover that catches my eye which then prompts me to read the synopsis etc rather than anything specific putting me off. Course if it has ASHER on it then I pick it up just to have a look even though I’ve already got all of your books 🙂
Chuck McKenzie: Cartoony spaceships.
Owen Roberts: Depictions of characters.

Salamander.

Here’s a little note from Petr Kotrle my Czech tranlator:

Before you leave for your summer home again, I’d like to tell you that your book was shortlisted for the Czech SF&F&H Academy Award again, this time The Voyage of the Sable Keech (The other titles in SF are David Marusek: Counting Heads, Ian McDonald: River of Gods, China Miéville: The City & the City, Vladimir Sorokin: Day of the Oprichnik).

The Skinner won this award a while back and Gridlinked was shortlisted the following year. The picture here is the boss of the Czech publisher collecting the first.

Gridlinked Film.

And the last post reminds me of this, unearthed from deep in this blog where posts are fossilizing, I was an angrier man, the world had less shades of grey, ad nauseum…

Cameron Dadd is an eighteen-year-old freelance graphic designer who lives in the most isolated city on our planet. He does have a small collection, but it’s as yet unavailable online, however, there’s Leviathan here: http://sharpendofreason.deviantart.com/ which, inspired by Cameron’s work, was created by a good friend of his called Carlo – looks like something Dragon put together!

(Of course Cameron is no longer 18, and who knows if this website is still current)

Poster Competition

Phil Edwards over at Live for Films has a little competition running (from which I swiped the picture here):

Just wondering if you could possibly mention the Robocop Poster Redesign Challenge I set up. There have already been a few cool posters.
And bearing in mind art competitions, don’t forget the competition to produce artwork based on my stuff — you’ll find it through the Subminds link down on the right-hand side here.

Adverts

I am getting seriously fucked-off with these animated adverts for things like Sun Bingo, O2 and Orange – usually sitting in the sidebar or in a banner. Every damned website I go onto where these things appear slows me down to a crawl. Half the time I have to just shut that website off and find what I wanted to move onto with a search. Bloody things.

The Hurt Locker.

Well, we watched the award winning Hurt Locker last night and I have to say that it was … crap. It seemed as if a message was trying to be imparted here but it got lost in the confusion (exacerbated by wobbly camera syndrome) and resulted in the cliche ‘war is hell’. I had no idea of basic stuff like who was the commanding officer, who was being too reckless and who too timid, and the bit about a kid being killed was lost on me. There was no real plot, just a series of Hollywood tropes, scenes that were supposed to be deep but turned out to be puddles. It was a mess, frankly. Why did it win? As ever with any award: politics. If you want to watch a good film in this sort of genre, go buy Black Hawk Down. Don’t waste your money on this.