Underwater Oil Rigs

This seems like a good setting for near-future SF, something for Peter Watts I reckon:

Petrobras plans to turn science fiction into reality to extract oil from the vast pre-salt oil fields discovered off the south east coast of Brazil.

The plan is to construct ‘cities’ more than 2,000 metres under water, containing machines, giant pieces of equipment and robots that could inspect the systems being used to extract millions of barrels of oil. Many operations would be fully automated while others would be controlled by humans at a distance.

Warhammer Prador Codex

The Warhammer Prador Codex can be found here, and I’ve also stuck a permanent link in the sidebar. Have fun with it!

This is a not-for-profit, free-source expansion to the world of Warhammer 40k, written by TheCyben and The_Grin_Reaper using all kinds of intellectual property from other, perhaps more talented but certainly less inebriated people. We thank them all, and remind you, the Prador Codex user, to support them by purchasing their books, games, models, Christmas albums and signed commemorative plates where applicable.

This FanDex is dedicated to five very important groups, without whom it would never have been made a reality. In no particular order of importance, they are:

The Whangarei Wargamers Games Workshop and the 40K design and writing teams, the Unholy Legions of Heavy Metal Sci-fi geeks of the world (and the net – cheers Wikipedia) and (with a whole group to himself):

Mr Neal Asher, the man who first imagined the Prador and brought them to life through a series of books which will one day form the core of our new religion…

Well, maybe not! But if you enjoy this ‘dex, be sure to check out Neal’s writing, and if you love his writing and enjoyed seeing the Prador chew through some Orks and Tau and such, perhaps you should start an army and join your local Wargaming club. They’re not half as creepy as they look, I assure you!

One more time for the slow kids…

This is not an official GW or 40k product. It is not an official expansion of the Polity universe, or in any way endorsed by Neal Asher’s publishers. This information is designed to be freely used, distributed and copied – if someone tries to charge you for it, first kick them in the groin and then get an adult to sue them black and blue. What YOU or ANYONE does with this ‘dex is not the responsibility of TheCyben or The_Grin_Reaper, no matter what your mum says.

Enjoy responsibly, and kick arse!

More Fun With Prador!

Here’s some more from Andy Bryenton:

Key to the tactical difference between the Prador and other more conventional factions in 40k is the concept of chemical, pheromonal control and command. The most utterly alien aspect of the Kingdom, to me, is not the lack of compassion (we can see enough of that on the 6 o clock news among our own species, unfortunately), but the lack of free will.

To that end my ally in this project, Kurt, has helped by developing some tactical commands issued via pheromonal means, and a range of random consequences should any ‘junior’ Prador stray out of their elders’ influence. Obviously in terms of canon, it’s obvious that cunning individuals like Vrell can think for themselves, and know how to carry out a mission light-years from their old dad. But on the tabletop it adds a bit of narrative flavor if the scuttling hordes need to stay in some kind of cohesion, or else decide it’s a good time to knock off some sibling competition!

Also included is the draft of the cover – my apologies for my awful artistic skill, but hopefully that’s a menacing looking Second Child with some heavy weapons and a few cybernetic bits welded on…

For your perusal, then…

Pheromonal Commands and Chemical Imperatives

Prador orders do not take the form of spoken language, like the commands barked out by human drill sergeants or flickers of code as between engines of war. Prador utilize a language of chemicals and pheromones to control their lessers, commanding them against their will at a moment’s notice. Indeed, free will is an unknown concept in Prador society, where the might of the elder generations is made manifest through their undeniable orders.

Chemical Imperatives may be used at any time by Prador equipped with them – even during the opposing player’s turn.

When issuing a Chemical Imperative, roll a d6 for each Prador unit within 12”. On a 3+ they obey the chemical order given without question. On a 1 or 2, the shifting winds of the battlefield dilute the pheromones with the scent of blood and high explosives, causing confusion and panic. Squads who fail this roll are subject to Disobedience next turn.

Suppressing Fire! – any Prador of a lower Generation within 12” immediately fire their Railguns (not special weapon variations) at the nearest enemy unit. May not be used when locked in combat (8pt)

March or Die! – any Prador of a lower generation within 12” immediately make an additional run move on 2d6, taking all appropriate terrain tests. This move may not be used to assault enemies or exit combat. (3pt)

Shells Down! – all Prador of a lower generation within 12”dig into the dirt, effectively becoming living fortifications. Prador who are Shells Down benefit from a 2+ armor save, but cannot move during the movement phase after they re-emerge. (8pt)

Feed Me! – the nearest Prador of a lower generation is immediately sacrificed to regenerate a single wound on the issuer of this imperative. The Prador thus sacrificed must be of the right size – i.e. a Third Child must be sacrificed to regenerate a Second Child, a Second-Child for a First Child, and a Second Child or a First-Child for an Adult. Gulp! This imperative may not be played AFTER a Prador has lost its final wound to prevent its removal from the game. (10pt)

Feel the Hate! – all Prador of a lower generation within 12” gain the Preferred Enemy rule this turn against a single nominated race (usually the one they’re currently fighting, if the Prador high command have gotten their chemicals right!) (5pt)

Disengage! – any Prador of a lower generation within 12” who are locked in combat immediately break free and move 3d6, away from the combat. The enemy may not pursue or consolidate, as if the Prador unit had just Hit and Run. (8pt)

Destroy Them! – all Prador of a lower generation within 12” gain the Furious Charge special rule for this turn (5pt)

Scuttle! – any Prador unit of a lower generation within 12” completely ignores terrain during its next movement phase, except impassable terrain. (5pt)

No Mercy! No Quarter! – any Prador within 12”gain the ability to fire into a combat which includes models on their own side, so long as those models represent Prador children of a lesser generation or human thralls. Failed ‘to hit’ rolls are counted as striking Prador models! (10pt)

And this….

Prador General Special Rules

Perhaps no other race encountered by man is quite so alien as the Prador – except the Tyranid hive mind, which may or may not be cosidered a ‘race’ at all. By turns inscrutable, violent and downright stereotypical (in that they really do eat people!), these xenos have a society as complex as that of Man, with technology easily equal to our own. That being said, the alien predispositions of the Prador are never more apparent than on the field of battle.

Eaters of the Dead – Prador may never consolidate or make sweeping advances – instead, they devour the bodies of the dead, crunching bone and armor with their grisly mandibles.

Merciless – The Prador have no concept of a ‘right to life’ – their Children are only allowed to survive so long as they prove useful. Any unit of Prador Third Children who flee from battle (failed leadership test etc) within shooting distance of a railgun-armed superior (A Prador of the First, Second or Adult generation) is immediately fired upon by that superior, regardless of whether they have already fired their railguns this turn.

Pheromonal Web – All Prador are bound together by the will of their Sire, with a clear hierarchy delineating the chain of command. Every Prador in your army, excluding Drones and Thralls, is subject to the rules for Disobedience if they are not at all times within 12” of a Prador of a higher generation, with First-Child Tribunes and Adults at the top, First Children on the second tier, Second Children below them, and Third Children at the bottom.

Prador out of Pheromonal Web range at the start of their movement phase must roll on the Disobedience table.

Disobedience –

When a Prador is out of Pheromonal Web range, or otherwise has to roll for Disobedience, roll a D6 and consult the table below:

1 – Slavish Devotion – the Prador continue with the mission plan, fearful of reprisal if they disobey!

2 – Where’d they go!? – the Prador must move toward a higher generation model this turn, and make no other moves. They may still shoot and assault as normal in the appropriate phases.

3 – Panic! – The Prador must move 2d6 scatter this turn, and make no other moves. They may still shoot and assault as normal in the appropriate phases.

4 – Run Away! – the Prador leg it 3d6 toward their deployment zone table edge. If they go over the edge they are removed from the game entirely. This move counts as ‘fleeing’ under the Merciless rule.

5 – Paralysed with Indecision – The Prador may not move, shoot or assault this turn unless compelled by a Chemical Imperative. If locked in comat, they may not attack or counterattack.

6 – Now’s Our Chance! – Sensing weakness in their Elders or siblings, the Prador revert to their genetic urges and try to thin out their own numbers! The affected unit immediately shoots at the nearest other Prador unit, or if none is in range, makes its full move and then shoots at the nearest other Prador unit.

In cases where two or more Prador units are locked in combat with enemy forces and one of them rolls this result, ALL Prador in the affected combat assualt EACH OTHER this turn, while the enemy may choose either to stand there and watch (after all, it’s quite entertaining) or leave the combat and ‘consolidate’ away 2d6”. As they are not involved in the combat any more (internecine war is very single minded), no enemy models make any attacks or counter attacks this turn.

Prador locked in combat who roll this result count as (5), Paralyzed with Indecision.

Moves caused by Disobedience allow Prador to flee from combat – if they are locked in combat and are then forced to move (i.e. by Panic, Run Away, Where’d They Go?), they suffer a number of wounds equal to the number of enemy models who were in base to base contact with them. These may be saved as normal.

More Gamer Stuff

Here’s some more gamer stuff from Andy Bryenton:

The first test game has come and gone, and it’s been a great success. Very narrative rich, very exciting, and quite a close victory for the Prador, which is satisfying.

As I explained before, taking a complex and savage race like the Prador and turing them into a Warhammer army has meant inventing new unit types and battlefield roles for what would seem to be in your books a very versatile and non-unit-bound species.

I’ve tried to base the whole structure on the hierarchy of Third, Second and First Children, with the big, legless Adult hovering at the top of the pyramid.

So… here are the categories:

HQ (command units)
Adult Prador
First Child ‘Tribune’ (Delegated mission leader… he’d better hope he’s successful!)

Troops (Basic units, usually in groups of 10-20)
Third Child Interdiction Squad (medium range railgunners with a couple of heavy weapons)
Third Child Assault Squad (code-named ‘Eliminators’ by the Imperium)
Third Child Scouts/Infiltrators (Code-named ‘Intruders’ by the Imperium)
Human Thralls (fitted with suicide bombs for extra nastiness!)

Elite Units (Rare, S.A.S – equivalent troops and tactical command groups. Ususally in small groups)
Second Child Tactical Commander (Leads units of Third Children. Code named ‘Executors’)
Second Child Shock Troops (Heavy, shock-assault elites. code named ‘Eviscerators’)
Spatterjay Thralls (Feel no pain, have no fear… virus-infected Thralls which are hard to kill)

Fast Attack (Outflanking, surprise attack and fast response units)
Prador Attack Drones (bladed, high-atmosphere insertion anti-personnel weapons)
Prador Gun Drones (code named ‘Eradicators’ – anti-armor rapid deployment drones)

Heavy Support – (Heavy weapons, defensive units and tank-killers)
First Child Tankhunter (a First Child of lower status than the Tribune, deployed in the role of tankbuster and long-range heavy railgun / particle weapon support)
King’s Guard (I had to put these guys in! What’s heavier in hand to hand combat than a huge, armored, Spatterjay-Virus-mutated Prador with a bad attitude? That’s a rhetorical question!)
Thrall Barge (A hovering Thrall control, processing and deployment vehicle, lightly armed with point defense masers. For extra horror, it can enslave enemy troops and core out their living brains on the fly!)

This army list closely follows the pattern of other Warhammer 40k armies without being too powerful or too weak. The unique tactical facet of the Prador army is its pheromonal web of control and command, in which a strict hierarchy must be preserved. On the tabletop battlefield, lower-order Prador cannot stray too far from a commanding ‘officer’, lest they become subject to randomly determined disobedience effects, up to and including killing each other instead of the enemy! The plus side of this is a set of instant-effect Chemical Imperative orders, obeyed without question or the burden of morality…

For example, in the test game, the poor old Adult Prador was under seige, shot down to one remaining wound by a heavy tank. Just before he could be charged by a rampaging Daemon (yep, there’s gonna be some wierd crossovers in this thing!) he successfully issued the pheromonal command ‘Feed Me!’, devouring the Second-Child commander of a nearby unit and re-gaining one wound to weather the assault.


Another unit successfully issued the ‘Show No Mercy!’ command, firing into a melee which included their own troops. While Prador casualties were high, the enemy were routed by attrition.


Sadly, though, the First Child commanding the front-line assault got out of line, and his disobedience cost him his life. He rolled ‘Paralyzed by Indecision’, and was powerless to stop a group of heavily armored humans slicing him limb from limb!

So, short answer, things are rolling along nicely. Another of the Northland Wargames Alliance has voiced his intent to raise an ECS force to crush the Prador menace!

Who Reads My Books: Huan Tan.

Here’s Huan Tan — he’s the one on the right!

I thought I had better give you a short Bio. Currently living in Ireland and working for the Irish Sea Fisheries Board as a Fisheries Technologist. What that means is that I get to try and introduce new technology to the Fishermen. That could be as simple as another net design or as complex as sticking satellite tags into giant bluefin tuna and seeing where they go.

I have been working for this company for the last 12 years but before that I was a fisherman for 10years, I fished and drove boats around the world, Japan, Australia, Tahiti, Solomon Islands, Guam and New Zealand and the Flemish Cap were all places that I fished or delivered boats through. This gave me a great interest in marine life and is partly why I enjoy the Spatterjay series so much. There is plenty of weird stuff in the sea that hardly ever gets seen by people other than fishermen or avid documentary watchers. Especially the real deepwater stuff >1000m.

I also spent time as motorbike mechanic, a short order cook and a plastic double glazed window maker.
These days I like to spearfish, ride motorcycles and shoot firearms.

Funnily enough nearly all photos of me in the last 20 years or so have of me holding a fish….. Goes with the territory I guess. The backstory to this pic is that it was taken aboard a Norwegian research vessel called the G.O.Sars, way up past the arctic circle. We were doing some mad experiments to see if we could develop fishing gear that had a reduced environmental impact. Since then people have discovered that trawling is actually beneficial to some bottom types, a bit like ploughing a field I guess.

That cod was a big one, and went to make lots of pieces of boiled cod for the crew.

I hope this helps

regards

Huan Tan
County Cork
Ireland

Of Interest to Gamers.

Recently got a couple of emails from Andy Bryenton that might be of interest to gamers here. The first is this one:

I just thought I’d add to the already bulging overflow in your inbox (damn those ‘gentlemen’s pills’ dealers!) with a request for some minor assistance. Oh, and the usual congratulations on an ever-growing series of post-cyber-awesome novels so sharp you can use them to peel diamonds..

As an unrepentant geek, I’m compiling a ‘Codex’ (a rulebook for the popular* tabletop wargame Warhammer 40k) for the Prador. My hope is to enable Warhammer players, of whom there are more than could be deemed healthy for any society, to download this resource for free and enjoy a bit of cross-franchise slaughter. There’s quite a bit of crossover between your fans and players of 40k, and the need for models is easily addressed with enough sculpting putty, resin, plastic guns and superglue.

Of course it’s my intent not to utterly mangle your creation in the process! So if there are any links you can think of to relevant images, rest assured that I’ve trawled through all your books for data about weapons, tactics, technology and limitations of the Prador in battle.

I just thought it’d be nice to tell you that relatively hard-working geeks are busy expanding your universe in a very strictly not-for-profit, just for the fans kinda way!

I won’t bore you too much with details, at least until it’s done. And at that point, you’ll probably wonder how the hell my little crew got it so wrong…

Just rest assured that very soon, somewhere, some Space Marines are gonna get eaten.

*popular, at least, with the kind of guys who will fight for the honor of Darth Vader in a pub argument, tend to grow ill-advised goatees, and wear t-shirts which say ‘You don’t have to be the Kwisatz Haderach to work here but it helps’.

I supplied a little bit of info (basically graft a spider’s visual turret on top of a fiddler crab. Maybe you guys here have your own ideas? Then I asked if I could publish his emails (well, not the next one, but I don’t suppose he’ll mind).

Go for it! I’d like to make the final codex available to everyone for free, and the more people who can participate in this bizarre little experiment the better!

Due to the way the tabletop game works (and you may have seen those strange GW stores full of tiny, spiky models), I’ve had to use a little artistic license in shuffling First, Second and Third Children into units like ‘Heavy support’, ‘Basic Troops’, and ‘Elite warriors’, which in the ‘real’ Kingdom they are unlikely to have. For sheer shock and awe it is my intent to make an ancient Adult available as a commander, even though from what you’ve written such a being would be infinitely cunning and cautious, thus unlikely to leave its sanctum. Damn thing’s gonna have armor that you could crack tanks open on!

Armament is running to variants of railguns, with various nasty particle beam weapons as heavy tank-busting clout. Once again, the constraints of putting the pure idea of Prador into the framework of a 60mm model game are kind of like straining single malt through a gym sock… there may be a slight change of ‘flavor’.

Pictures, I assure you, will be forthcoming!

And thanks for taking an interest in the old, obligatory ‘what me and my mates did on our holidays’! If and when the modeling part of the project produces a resin-cast Prador First-Child Warrior with twin-linked Decimator railguns, I’ll send you one…

What do you think about this?

PETA Learns Secret Handshake.

I was sent a link to this by Bill Brunton. The one who posted it here, notes, ‘Don’t know if this is true or not but it is funny’. Don’t hold any coffee in your mouth while reading this.

….

Activists Missing After Declaring “War on Leather” at Motorcycle Rally January 10, 2010 by randyedye.

Johnstown, PA (GlossyNews) – Local and state police scoured the hills outside rural Johnstown, Pennsylvania, after reports of three animal rights activists going missing after attempting to protest the wearing of leather at a large motorcycle gang rally this weekend. Two others, previously reported missing, were discovered by fast food workers “duct taped inside several fast food restaurant dumpsters,” according to police officials. “Something just went wrong,” said a still visibly shaken organizer of the protest. “Something just went horribly, horribly, wrong.”

The organizer said a group of concerned animal rights activists, “growing tired of throwing fake blood and shouting profanities at older women wearing leather or fur coats,” decided to protest the annual motorcycle club event “in a hope to show them our outrage at their wanton use of leather in their clothing and motor bike seats.” “In fact,” said the organizer, “motorcycle gangs are one of the biggest abusers of wearing leather, and we decided it was high time that we let them know that we disagree with them using it…ergo, they should stop.”

According to witnesses, protesters arrived at the event in a vintage 1960’s era Volkswagen van and began to pelt the gang members with balloons filled with red colored water, simulating blood, and shouting “you’re murderers” to passers by. This, evidently, is when the brouhaha began.

“They peed on me!!!” charged one activist. “They grabbed me, said I looked like I was French, started calling me ‘La Trene’, and duct taped me to a tree so they could pee on me all day!”

“I…I was trying to show my outrage at a man with a heavy leather jacket, and he…he didn’t even care. I called him a murderer, and all he said was, “You can’t prove that.” Next thing I know he forced me to ride on the back of his motorcycle all day, and would not let me off, because “his girl friend was out of town and I was almost a woman.”

Still others claimed they were forced to eat hamburgers and hot dogs under duress. Those who resisted were allegedly held down while several bikers “farted on their heads.”

Police officials declined comments on any leads or arrests due to the ongoing nature of the investigation, however, organizers for the motorcycle club rally expressed “surprise” at the allegations.

“That’s preposterous,” said one high-ranking member of the biker organizing committee. “We were having a party, and these people showed up and were very rude to us. They threw things at us, called us names, and tried to ruin the entire event. So, what did we do? We invited them to the party! What could be more friendly than that? You know, just because we are all members of motorcycle clubs does not mean we do not care about inclusiveness. Personally, I think it shows a lack of character for them to be saying such nasty things about us after we bent over backwards to make them feel welcome.”

When confronted with the allegations of force-feeding the activists meat, using them as ad hoc latrines, leaving them incapacitated in fast food restaurant dumpsters, and ‘farting on their heads,’ the organizer declined to comment in detail. “That’s just our secret handshake,” assured the organizer.

You Can Contribute.

Here’s just a little reminder for everyone, and some information for new members here: If you delve into the history of this blog you’ll find a number of ways you can contribute.

The bookmarks competition finishes on New Year’s Day. Design me some bookmarks that use the Jon Sullivan artwork and display the eddress of this blog and you could be the winner of some signed copies. The winner gets the Cormac series and the Spatterjay series (new covers), second place gets the Spatterjay series, whilst the top three additionally get copies of my books that they haven’t got in their collection … oh, and when I say that, I mean any of the Macmillan books – all signed of course.

I’ve been running a series of profiles and still want contributions. The title was ‘Who Reads My Books?’ For anyone who is interested, I’d like a short biography and some photographs of you. Tell me about yourself, advertise if you want, if you have a blog or a website of your own then let me know. Thus far (if my recollection is right) we have plenty of IT guys, a pilot, a geneticist, writers, a composer, jewellery maker and much more besides. But don’t be intimidated by these – I want to know about YOU and your interests. Remember, before I got where I am now I used to cut grass for a living.

It’s also interesting to see photos of people’s SFF collections. I enjoy having a look at them and so do many of those who come here. Let’s have a look!

Send your photographs etc here ndotasheratvirgindotnet

Finally, I’ll shortly be doing another video clip to post up here so I would like some more questions. I’ll answer as many of these as I can within the 10 minutes allowed (You Tube) then carry over what’s left to the next clip. Post your questions in the comments section here.

Any Human Heart

We finally gave up on ‘Any Human Heart’ last night. This series was given big star ratings and really hyped beforehand and each time a new episode is shown we’re told it is a ‘powerful drama’. It has some excellent actors, great camera work and the sets are good too. However, it’s something we kept watching in the hope it was going to get interesting, and the problem is, at this point, in the third episode, it really should have been getting there. It isn’t; it’s boring.

This is the life story of a self-indulgent loser who is only interesting because of his setting and the people he met. He’s actually the kind of person you’d like to give a slab and tell to get his thumb out of his arse. The role , in fact, rather stretched Matthew Macfadyen’s full ‘drippy’ repertoire. This was supposedly a gripping big-budget adaptation that had all the grip of a pair of rubber tweezers.

So we turned over and watched ‘The nation’s favourite Abba Song’, which was an order of magnitude more enjoyable and interesting. I wanted to see ‘Fernando’ near the top though I did not expect it to win. Unfortunately it came in at number seven. Caroline then waited in the hope that ‘Dancing Queen’ would be the winner because when it was a hit she was precisely as the chorus describes. Her bottom lip was sticking out when it came in at number two, beaten by ‘Winner Takes it All’.

No Icebergs but Plenty of Ice.

Caroline, who has a fascination with the Titanic, booked us up to go to the O2 yesterday (O2 is of course a better name that ‘Millennium Dome’ and its associations with the laughable ‘millennium experience’ and about a billion in wasted money, for a fucking tent) but, with the weather we’ve been having, we were starting to have second thoughts. However, in the end I said let’s just go for it, so we did.

There was ice and snow everywhere and the road leading down to Althorne station was a sheet of ice (apparently roads to railway stations are not main routes that need gritting?), but if you don’t drive like a dick that wasn’t a problem. We parked at the station where only three cars occupied a car park that was normally full, and waited for out train, which was only a few minutes late. This would take us to Shenfield where we would then change for a train to Stratford, then hop on the Jubilee line heading for the O2.

However, the train stopped at Wickford and we then had to wait for three-quarters of an hour for another train to take us to Stratford. Luckily the pies and coffee there were cheap and good and, during the ensuing journey, some lunatics dressing up as super heroes (on their way to a party) were aboard to cheer us up.

At Stratford, because we hadn’t actually checked which stop we had to get off at to get to the O2 we did that old-time British thing and asked direction from a couple of policemen. They hadn’t got a clue and were in danger of putting us on the wrong course until another traveller put them right. We had to go to North Greenwich. From there to the O2 is just a short walk, and soon we reached the ‘Bubble’ where the Titanic artefacts display was located. Unfortunately I can’t put up any photographs because we weren’t allowed to take pictures inside. It was all pretty interesting and the American staff there were very informative and helpful. We spent an hour and three-quarters checking out the exhibits.

What they do, when you go in, is issue you with copy of a ticket for one of the Titanic passengers so, on the way out, you can see whether or not you survived. Both Caroline and I did survive, though she wasn’t in first class like me. They also take a photo against a green screen so on the way out you can buy a picture of yourself standing before the staircase Leonardo Dicaprio swanned down in the last scene of the film. Within the exhibition there is also a block of ice maintained at the temperature of the sea most of the passengers went into. Really, all they needed to do was turn off the heating.

After this we enjoyed a meal before heading home. On the way out I got a proper look at what I have to put forward as a contender for any ‘ugly building’ awards there might be.

Stratford was a nightmare. It took us half an hour to find a platform at which a train was due to head in the direction we wanted to go. Whilst waiting there we watched the train before ours arrive, full of people and with loads of people on the platform wanting to get on. It was like a scene out of some disaster movie with the crowds trying to escape the tsunami or the Martian war machines. When the doors finally closed, leaving a lot of passengers behind, I half expected to see severed limbs on the platform. When our train arrived the scenario was little different and, of course, you find that once aboard the train the problem stems from selfish dicks clustering about the door and not moving on down the carriage.

This train took us to Shenfield where similar scenes were being enacted. I was waiting for station staff to come out with machine-guns and leashed alsations, but station staff were notable by their absence. Here, and at Wickford station was where I started to feel the urge to lob a brick at any visible loudspeaker. The phrase, ‘we apologise for any inconvenience caused’ tends to cause one to doubt if there’s any contrition involved when it’s a recording being played ad nauseum. It then occurred to me then that a better name than the one painted on the sides of the trains might be ‘National Excuse’. I also noted how the phrase, ‘for your safety and comfort smoking is prohibited’ was always immediately followed by ‘for your safety and comfort this station has CCTV’ (note: I might have the precise wording wrong here, but you get the gist of it). Another one was something along the lines of, ‘due to the adverse weather conditions the platform is extremely slippery’. Well, no shit Sherlock.

When we finally got home I had to drive back from the station in second gear, never going above about 20 miles an hour. The car is in the garage now and I’m sitting next to the radiator, never to venture out again unless for essential supplies. You guys who have to go through that shit every day have my deepest sympathy.